Sunday, December 23, 2012

Popcorn by The Colonel #22

Christmas Popcorn

Epigraph: "If I could say just a few words ... I'd be a better public speaker." --Homer Simpson

Stephen Devoto asked The Colonel to insert the following Emo Philips item. Stephen covers multitudes of meetings for The Eye, so no one should deny him anything. Emo sets a tone that's hard to follow, so this Christmas column is rounded out with some more Emo material. Merry Christmas to all from TC and TCL (The Colonel's Lady).

"When I was a kid, my parents used to tell me, 'Emo, don't go near the cellar door!' One day they were away, and I went up to the cellar door. I pushed it open and saw strange, wonderful things that I had never seen before: trees ... grass ... flowers ... the sun."

"Always remember the the last words of my grandfather, who said, 'A truck!'"

"Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the Devil."

"I ran three miles today. Finally I said, 'Lady, take your purse.'"

"I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen."

"I used to be scared of pretty girls till one confessed that they're just as scared of me."

"So I'm at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, holding my harpoon."

"People ask me how much I weigh. I tell them 145 pounds, naked, if the scale outside the drugstore is anything to go by."

"You know what I hate? Indian givers. No, wait, I take that back."

"I was walking down Fifth Avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was going to keep it rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized, I would like to be taught a lesson."


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