Tuesday, February 4, 2014

News You Can Abuse -- Popcorn by The Colonel #82

Department of Mysterious Sayings: “Never Let the Deal Go Down, or You Will Lose All Feeling in Your Legs”

Edmick Yone said to mention that Sam Colt got married in 1856 in what is now the old part of Russell Library, then Christ [Episcopal] Church. Verbum tuum lex nostra est, Edmicus Ioannes.

Rep. Henry Waxman is retiring from Congress to a position at Mme. Tussaud’s museum.

The Insurance Catch-22: “If you want it, you can’t get it, but if you’ll never use it and don’t need it, you can get all you want.”

The expression “pie hole” is irreducibly inelegant.

We recently heard an example of a usage we had read about but not heard anyone actually use: “The kitchen needs gutted,” meaning “the kitchen needs to be gutted.” Is it southern? Western? The speaker was a middle-class woman who had lived in several places in the U.S. We were not in a situation in which we could politely inquire. People take umbrage at being questioned about how they say things.

Do you know what Google Keep is? If not, Google it. Handy app.

“Life without wisdom is the norm. Flee that norm even if you get shot in the back escaping.” --Roy Marshrigger

It is not only the prisoners who grow coarse and hardened from corporal punishment, but those as well who perpetrate the act or witness it.” -Anton Chekhov, short-story writer and dramatist (1860-1904)

Goodness! Less than eleven months till Christmas! (Yes, “less” is correct in this context.)

One Easter Week years ago we asked the manager of a Sam’s Club where in the store the Martinelli’s sparkling apple cider was (great stuff, by the way). He said they didn’t carry it except at “the holidays.” We asked, “So what is Easter? Chopped liver?” He looked embarrassed and said, “I meant the Christmas holidays.” We felt like a bully. He doubtless thought, “I hope this guy doesn’t write my name down and go to the papers with how Sam’s is waging ‘war on Easter.’ That’s all I need.”

We don’t believe in censorship. Better just to kill the writer.

Trotsky supposedly quipped that “you may not be interested in war, but war is interested in you.” The only thing worse than aping Oscar Wilde is not aping Oscar Wilde.

Local news flash: The Andromeda Galaxy is headed our way and will begin colliding with the Milky Way in just four million years. Circle the wagons.

Singalong: “Pick a card/ any card/ not that card/ Dixieland.”

New book aimed at eggheads: “Establishing Appropriate Analytic Frameworks for Dummies.”

“Mein Kampf” is unreadable. Its dense, turgid prose alone -- never mind the content -- would gag a maggot off a gut wagon. Plus, it’s in German.

Some people should be hastily defenestrated, nor should they object. "Hasty defenestration" is a mellifluous way to go, and looks great on a death certificate.

“We’ve become a nation of wusses. The world is cancelled for four inches of snow.” --Rani Jahlers

“When the situation starts to go down the tubes, it will complete the trip.” --we forget the apophthegmatist's name

A new C-note is out. It’s pretty showbiz.

We dislike paper money and would prefer all coins. Size should reflect value. Here’s our dream lineup: ten cents, the current dime; fifty cents, the current penny; one dollar, the current nickel; five dollars, the current quarter; ten dollars, the current dollar coin that nobody likes or uses; fifty dollars, the old JFK/Ben Franklin half dollar; one hundred dollars, the old Eisenhower dollar.

According to Wikipedia, T. Rex “lived throughout what is now western North America, which then was an island continent named Laramidia.” Fascinating. How do they know the continent was named Laramidia? Fossilized T. Rex Baedeker?

Not that “Lara Midia” isn’t a great name, like “Lora Tadine.”

ADHD is fundamentally a sleep disorder, according to our favorite shrink. The hyperactivity is the body's way of fighting to stay awake. Force an ADHD sufferer to be still, and he falls asleep.

Adderall doesn’t make you smarter, but it makes you think you’re smarter, so you study with more confidence and joy, and therefore test a little better.

Adderall’s side effects include loss of appetite, weight loss, dry mouth, stomach upset, nausea, vomiting, dizziness, headache, diarrhea, fever, nervousness, trouble sleeping, increased blood pressure, numbness, pain, skin color change, sensitivity to temperature in the fingers, toes, or both, mental changes, changes in mood or behavior, mood swings, agitation, aggression, depression, abnormal thoughts, abnormal thoughts, repetitive behavior, compulsive interdigitation, polydactyly, uncontrolled movements, continuous chewing movements, teeth grinding, outbursts of words, sounds, or both, changes in shenanigans, prophetic borborygmus, shortness of breath, chest pain, jaw pain, left arm pain, fainting, severe headaches, fast heartbeat, pounding heartbeat, irregular heartbeat, auditory hallucinations of the thundering advent of the four horsemen of the apocalypse, seizures, compulsive shoplifting, swelling of the ankles, feet, or both, swelling of toes on the left foot, extreme tiredness, blurred vision, slurred speech, abnormal swilling of rotgut, confusion, tardive dyskinesia, late payment of bills, confusion, rash, itching, swelling of the face, tongue, throat, or any combination, severe dizziness, trouble breathing, unusual spending patterns, delusions of grandeur, feeling smart, and unqualified runs for office.  

If you read that list of side effects and thought, “Oh, is that all?” be advised that it is most definitely not all. That was an incomplete list of possible side effects. Listing all of them would have been tedious. If you experience one or more of the listed symptoms, and especially if you experience any of the unlisted ones, immediately consult your doctor, pharmacist, or designated driver and make sure you do not exceed election law spending limits, if any, applicable to offices for which you run. And avoid buses and other public transportation if you have any tendency to grab strangers by the lapels and scream Wobbly slogans at them (“The union makes us strong! It makes us STRONG!”). N.B.: This column does not dispense medical advice.

“Sell your kid into slavery, buy a great TV!” --example of a poor ad, since it doesn’t make you remember the brand name.


Anonymous said...

When I lived in south-central Pennsylvania, I often heard that "the floor needs swept" and the like. I had not heard that in CT or NJ (the other places where I have lived).

Anonymous said...

my dad used to turn phrases like that all the time. I think its a western Pennsylvania thing. This lightbulb needs changed. These dishes need washed (pronounced worshed). The driveway needs shoveled. The lawn needs mowed.