The northbound marauding wild boars have not yet perfected their newly evolved shape-shifting abilities, witness the above laughably crude attempt to reproduce the late actor William ("The Babe Ruth Story"; "The Life of Riley") Bendix (1908-1964) (picture below). These boars are the worst thing since Bambi's Mom returned as a zombie doe. There is still time to stop them, if we can but summon the will. Who goes there?
Now for something completely different.
Are you drifting? Do you need direction? Here's a three-step program:
(1) Draw three circles on a blank piece of paper, labeling them "Thoughts," "Feelings," and "Actions."
(2) For each aphorism below, flip a coin. If it comes up heads, put the number of the aphorism into one of the circles until each circle has three numbers in it. If it comes up tails, move on to the next aphorism, continuing until each circle has three numbers in it.
(3) For three weeks, apply the aphorisms in the Thoughts circle to your thoughts, those in the Feelings circle to your feelings, and those in the Action circle to your actions. Not only will you feel different, others will react to you differently. You'll never look back.
1/ “We must be content to see the Hidden World with our imaginations, for to see it with our eyes would destroy it.” --Gadarene Demoniax
2/ “If you can’t back up your position with reasons, you’re just another jamoke with an opinion.” --Garry Grimhorse
3/ “It may seem pretentious to use the transliteration ‘Akhilleus’ rather than ‘Achilles’ in translating the Iliad, but ‘Akhilleus’ is more faithful to the sound of the original Greek and to the aim of epic poetry -- to preserve the glory of ancient heroes by making their names sound again on earth.” --after Andrew Ford
4/ “The dark side of science is brutish facts endlessly slaughtering beautiful hypotheses.” --after Thomas H. Huxley
5/ “Life is one long lesson in humility.” --after James M. Barrie
6/ “The great thing about television is that if anything important happens anywhere in the world, day or night, you can always change the channel.” --from “Taxi”
7/ “Cucumber should be well-sliced, dressed with pepper and vinegar, and then thrown out.” --Samuel Johnson
8/ “Those who remember the past are condemned to repeat it no less than those who don't.” --Roy Marshrigger
9/ “Ubi dolor, ibi digitus.” (Latin, literally, "where pain, there finger.") Interpret this metaphorically to the limit of your creativity. "My finger hurts" is feeble.
10/ “The emphasis at Ephesus is on things Artemisian.” --after Henry Higgins
11/ "M & M Enterprises sells cork in New York, shoes in Toulouse, ham in Siam, nails in Wales, and tangerines in New Orleans." --Milo Minderbinder, in Catch-22.
12/ “The skill of writing is to create a context in which other people can think.” --Edwin Schlossberg
13/ "Another flaw in the human character is that everybody wants to build and nobody wants to do maintenance." --Kurt Vonnegut (Garden version: "Everyone wants to plant, but nobody wants to weed." --Tree Fanatic)
14/ “Machines actively debate whether humans truly think or just ape the real thing.” --Sir Harry O. Triggerman
15/ “Silly things do cease to be silly if they are done by sensible people in an impudent way.” --Jane Austen
16/ "Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana." --Groucho Marx
17/ "Battle not with monsters, lest you become a monster, and if you boast that you gaze into the abyss, remember that the abyss gazes also into you." --after Friedrich Neitzsche
18/ "Escalators never break. They just become stairs." --Mitch Hedberg