Saturday, May 14, 2016

Raging Dumpster Fire Morphs Into Entire Universe -- The Colonel Carries On #31

By Joe D. Foster

Epigraph: “I’m going to impact bigly.” --2016 Presidential candidate SMOD (aka “Sweet Meteor O’Death) ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Q: Is there some way Trump and Hillary could both lose?

A: Yes, but it would involve a huge meteor impact and the complete extinc--

Q: Stop! -- you had me at “Yes.” How can I get the t-shirt?

In a scene from Don Quixote, a man walks into the center of town and gathers a crowd for the show he’s about to put on. The man picks up a dog, inserts a tube into its hindquarters, and begins to inflate the dog like a balloon. The crowd watches, fascinated. The dog grows larger and rounder. Eventually, the man pulls the tube out and the air escapes loudly from the poor pooch as it runs away. The performer turns to the crowd and says: “You think it’s easy to inflate a dog with a tube?”

We overdosed on clickbait last time, so today just one: Megachurches: Photographing America’s Drab New Cathedrals

We often overdose on quotations, but that’s good, so here: “I never write ‘metropolis’ for seven cents when I can write ‘city’ and get paid the same.” --Mark Twain

T-shirt legend: “I’m a lawyer. I solve problems you never know existed with words you don’t understand.”

Here’s an outshout to my friend John Rabbis, founder and sole member of “Rabbis Against Trump.” The former says he’s willing to debate the latter “anytime, anywhere.” No word from the latter. Yet.

Gifted singer/songwriter Gillian Welch at her “androgynousest” (I just made that word up. Do you like it? Neither do I.)

Gifted singer/songwriter Gillian Welch at her “girliest.”

“Umphidilious” is a rare word that apparently means something like amazing, awesome, wonderful. Maybe it never caught on because its short form, “umphy,” sounds too much like “comfy” and the long form sounds like something out of Mary Poppins.

The Doors’ song “Soul Kitchen” has the notable phrases “stumbling in the neon groves” and “learn to forget.” The latter reminds me of the advice, “If someone does you a favor, never forget it; if you do someone a favor, never remember it.”

That prompts recollection of a saying illustrative of the perverted values of Hollywood: “Why does he hate me so much? I never did one thing for him!”

Joan Rivers’ daughter Melissa said the best advice her mother ever gave her was, “Wash your hands. People are filthy. They’ll make you sick.”

The German philosopher Immanuel Kant led a quiet, contemplative life. Unlike most of us, he never strangled anyone with his bare hands. What? Why are you looking at me like that? Is it just me, or is it weird in here?

Kant, contrary to the negative sound of his surname, was a “can-do” guy when it came to trying to reconcile science and belief in God and morality. One cool thing he thought was that time and space were built into our perceptions. The way a man with rose-colored glasses sees everything as red, we endow -- wrong word -- everything we perceive with extension and temporality. So time and space are real, but not in the same way as that parked car with its alarm going off. If it’s yours, would you please turn it off? Now, please?

If you’re on a quiz show and have to paraphrase parts of Kant’s philosophy for $1,000, don’t parrot my statements on the topic -- I garble what I steal. I’d hate you should lose money on my account. Ask if you can switch categories, imperatively.

“If you destroy a bridge, be sure you can swim.” --Swahili proverb (translated, obviously)

“You can’t climb the ladder of success with your hands in your pockets.” That African proverb has been much misunderstood by politicians who try to climb the ladder of success with their hands in other people’s pockets.

The Spanish version may be less vulnerable to misinterpretation: “You can’t inflate a dog with a tube with your hands in your pockets.” Ah, but if you only could, what a show it would be!

“If you try to climb a tree beyond its top, earth awaits you.” --African proverb (= Greek “Know thyself”?)

That’s enough for today. It’s time for my cranachan (“a dessert typically made with whipped cream, whiskey, oatmeal, honey, and berries, especially raspberries"). If you’re sour and dour like me, you may substitute cranberries for the raspberries. Yum. The guy who gave me the recipe, God rest his soul, told me that if I eat it often, I will never die. So far, so good.

If you’re reading this, you obviously survived Friday the Thirteenth. Congratulations.

1 comment:

green mountain ghost said...

Alright, I'm impressed with the open arms created with common keyboard strokes but I'm mystified by how you made the mouth that follows the opening quotation mark. And, now that I ponder it, I also wonder how the forearms were created.