Saturday, May 7, 2016

Boaty McBoatface Loses Nomination at Contested Convention -- The Colonel Carries On #30

By Liza Damned Liza and Statistics

Epigraph: “All the conditions are present. The trigger event could come at any instant.” --Garry Grimhorse

The Middletown Garden Club has its plant sale at Harbor Park today, Saturday, from 12:00 noon to 5:00 p.m. It’s part of Feet to the Fire River Fest. Does Mother like flowers?

“Life is a foreign language that everyone mispronounces.” --after Christopher Morley, journalist, novelist, essayist, and poet (1890-1957)

Life in a time of perpetual warfare, such as between Oceania, Eurasia, and Eastasia in Orwell’s novel 1984, is unpleasant, but -- at least in that novel -- not as bad as Hobbes’s state of nature before civilization: “solitary, poor, nasty, brutish, and short.” (Not a law firm.)

Thunderclap Newman came to mind recently (RIP). A favorite line was “lock up the streets and houses” (because there’s “Something in the Air”). One comment on YouTube was: “I love everything this guy did.  Well really I like the hits the best.  Actually, I just like this song.” So it goes with one-hit wonders.

Doesn’t “Feet to the Fire River Fest” sound as if it should be on the banks of the Cuyahoga River? Or in Providence? “Feet to the fire” sounds like something from the persuasion toolkit that contains waterboarding.

Okay, now for a deep dive into the muck of clickbait.

Ten? Hah!

Not Enough Saved for Retirement? Let Bitcoin Multiply Your Nest Egg

Chinese Hospitals Use “Many Worlds” Physics to Cure Anything

Parallel Dimensions Open (So Far) Only to the Rich

This Genetically Modified Virus “Rewires” Every Cell in Your Body to Stop Aging!

Time Travel Drug! You Return When It Wears Off!

This Helmet Lets You Make Movies by Thinking Them!

Non-Athletes Break World Records With Fish Muscle Transplants!

Fracking Releases Demon That Earth Guardians Imprisoned Underground 30 Million Years Ago!

Minor Brain Surgery That Lets You Acquire a Complete New Language Every Day

Secret Koranic Verses Let You Start Fires At 100 Yards

Venn Diagrams That Let You Change History So Your Mother-In-Law Was Never Born!

How to Trick Itch Demons Into Taking Possession of Your Enemies!

Ancient Crystals Let You Summon Angels For Financial Help

This Simple Trick Completely Eliminates Constipation From Opiates

This Asian Herbal Remedy Turns HIV-AIDS Sufferers Into Invincible Super-Soldiers

Hadron Collider Malfunctions, Turns Squirrel Into Batman

Here Comes Cthulhu! Highway Cloverleaf Construction Goof Opens Interdimensional Gateway For Toxic Ancient Ones

Perfect Counterfeit U.S. Currency From North Korea At Unbeatable Prices

Don’t Let These Two Powerful “History Crystals” Touch or Hitler Wins WWII!

On Opposites Day, North and South Korea Switch Places!

What These Stars Would Do If They Had Just One Day To Live

What Your Doctor Will Never Tell You Even If Every Test Shows It’s True

Artist’s Conception of Common Ancestor of Cats and Dogs

They’re Back! Scientists Reconstruct Neandertal DNA, Create “Test Tube Baby” in Indonesia. You won’t believe these baby pictures!

Council of 13 Reptilian Shapeshifter “Royal Families” Plan Final Reptile Takeover to Avert Zombie Apocalypse!

League of Transplutonian Planets Plots Conquest -- Earth to Become Their Massive Solar Collector As Energy from Van Allen Belt Dwindles

Martian Colony on Dark Side of Moon Readying for Attack

Using Dark Matter All Around Us to Control Minds, Get Loan Applications Approved

How a Man from Tanzania Embarrassed a Stubby-Fingered Vulgarian

Man Wanted Cat Face, Wound Up With Dog Face, Bites Plastic Surgeon

Small Town Chosen For Biodome Experiment -- Not Told Till Too Late That It's For 7500 Years

Theories of Terrestrial Origins Upended by Discovery of Earth’s Belly Button!

Moon To Depart Earth Orbit for Long Interstellar Mission

Scientists Unable to Find Life on Venus; Venusians Prefer It That Way

Gravity Waves Detected, Surfers On Their Way There

Julius Dithers Dies of Apoplexy Over Bumstead Goof in Bixby Contract

Scientists to Press Cosmic “Reset” Button So Big Bang Happens Again

Papers in Attic Trunk Prove: Frankie and Johnny Were Lovers (Lordy How They Could Love)

Shondell Claims It Was His Baby, Not Tommy James’s, That Did the Hanky Panky -- Demands Back Royalties

Things the “Greatest Generation” Wanted You Never to Know

This Simple Smartphone Trick Can Make You A Bitcoin Billionaire Overnight (But Make Sure Your Passport is Up to Date)

State-of-Art Retirement Facility Resents Geezer Resident’s Saying “By Cracky”

Motivational Speaker Tells Rotary He’s “Changed His Mind”: Advises “Just Let Go And Drift In Life’s Debris”

Abandoned Hollywood Sound Stages Home to Feral Once-Cute Potential Child Stars

You Won’t Believe What Surprised Robin!

To end on a slightly more elevated note, please ponder this Kenyan proverb: “Not even good advice can make a person strong whose character is weak.”
That is all.

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