Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Schroedinger's Cat Is Dead, Long Live Schroedinger's Cat! -- Popcorn by The Colonel #53

The takeover is nearly complete.
How long can our political system withstand the siren song of mutated shapeshifting wild
boars pushing a hypersexualized program of Nancy-Reagan-like slogans? Just askin'.

Eradication by mastication: Some hardy souls favor eating the invasive marauding feral hogs regardless of what form they assume. In death, they revert to hog form and can be delicious prepared in a variety of ways. But first you have to catch them; bait weddings are a popular way.

Orwell's "Animal Farm": "Twelve voices were shouting in anger, and they were all alike. No question, now, what had happened to the faces of the pigs. The creatures outside looked from pig to man, and from man to pig, and from pig to man again; but already it was impossible to say which was which."

Enough for now of news of the end of days. Let us now proceed to a dialogue in which the late George Carlin makes a humorless monkey of the literal-minded Colonel.

Speaking of literalness, it's hard to tell puns to kleptomaniacs because they take things so literally.

Carlin: If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Colonel: Because we haven’t finished killing them all.

Carlin: What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Colonel: We’d  struggle along with the other kind.

Carlin: If a deaf person signs swear words, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

Colonel: Yes, or Purel waterless hand cleanser, if she's on the ball.

Carlin: If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Colonel: By whom?

Carlin: Is there another word for “synonym”?

Colonel: Yes. “Equivalent” or “near-equivalent,” depending on how you define “synonym.”

Carlin: Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?

Colonel: The Gobi Desert.

Carlin: What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Colonel: Look on in horrified fascination.

Carlin: If a parsley farmer is sued, can his wages be garnished?

Colonel: Only the part over the minimum wage.

Carlin: Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Colonel: Yes, and a walk without legs would be called a lie.

Carlin: Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

Colonel: They lock them so no one can get in without a key. No, they are not afraid of anything.

Carlin: Is a turtle outside its shell homeless or naked?

Colonel: Yes.

Carlin: Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Colonel: Yes, but the irony makes the crackers taste funny.

Carlin: If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Colonel: They do if they want a confession to be admissible in court.

Carlin: What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Colonel: Mead.

Carlin: How is it possible to have a civil war?

Colonel: Ask Amy and do what she says.

Carlin: If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

Colonel: Depends on how entrenched the union is.

Carlin: If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

Colonel: No, you'd explode when they touched in your stomach.

Carlin: If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Colonel: Both.

Carlin: Whose cruel idea was it to put an "s" in the word "lisp"?

Colonel: Mr. Hyde'th.

Carlin: Why are hemorrhoids called hemorrhoids instead of assteroids?

Colonel: Because medical terms are formed from Greek roots for greater universality.

Carlin: Why is it called "tourist season" if we can't shoot at them?

Colonel: Because there are more tourists then than at other times.

Carlin: Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

Colonel: Because even people with real enemies can be paranoid.

Carlin: Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?

Colonel: Yes, if the underwriter approves.

(Carlin and The Colonel bow stiffly, and leave the stage to slight applause and cries of "Enough!" and "No more!")

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