Tuesday, July 30, 2013

How to Daydream Efficiently -- Popcorn by The Colonel #55

Daydreaming, properly done, rests the mind, increases production, and improves interpersonal behavior. "Best practices" daydreaming involves staring into space or at the nearest wall.

Proper daydreaming is organic, like drooling. One good time for daydreaming (or drooling) is seven seconds into one of the 91% of conversations that become boring at just that point. A bad time is during your Presidential inauguration address.

Good places for daydreaming are bathrooms and under your desk. Bad places are in line to order lunch, on public transportation (especially standing in front of subway doors), and behind the wheel of your car when two lanes are merging into one near a construction site.

Good subjects for daydreaming are public heroics, sex with people who are better-looking than you are, and delivering your Presidential inaugural address. Less productive subjects are road-tripping with celebrities and -- counter-intuitively --  winning the lottery.

One old reliable is winning the lottery and immediately quitting your job after making a very strong speech to management and flying through the office on a dragon that believes your coworkers have stolen her dragon things and hidden them inside large items of office property, which she rips open beyond any repair.

If you are a striver for virtue, daydream about being a better person or about good things happening to your loved ones.

If you are even more selfless, you can daydream about the big old questions that perennially bedevil humanity:

☻ What kind of snack food will the aliens prefer when they invade and take over?

☻ If we all turned into puppets, would our conversations still be rich in nuance and subtlety?

☻ If someone invented a machine that could read the thoughts of trees, what would we learn? Can trees teach us better daydreaming?

☻ Will mutating feral boars spare the big upcoming wedding?

Less good subjects for daydreaming are donating blood, knitting, volunteering for Wheels on Meals, and standing in front of the Empire State Building for 24 consecutive hours with an open guitar case on the ground in front of you as you repeat “Meh ... meh ... meh”  while dangling your participles.

Revenge daydreams are two-edged swords. They don’t build character, but you can get a bit of your own back. Try staring at a wall at home and laughing. It freaks out the dog and cat. Sauce for the goose.

In conclusion, make this one of your affirmations: “I am daydreaming my way to a better life for me and a better world for all.” Vivian did that and soon won the Ms. Pickled Beets pageant. Ignatz didn’t do it, and now spends his days and nights in front of the Empire State Building, repeating “Meh ... meh ... meh” and dangling his participles.   

Tip of The Colonel's hat to Jon Methven, author of the novel “This Is Your Captain Speaking”

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