Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Keep Your Money: IRS Too Busy Persecuting Tea Party to Collect Taxes This Year -- Popcorn by The Colonel #92

Today: bricolage by a bricoleur.

Frank Caparelli loved opera so much he won the nickname “Opera Frank.” Eventually he changed his name to “Frank Opera.” (Frank Ocean’s story is different.)

Asian Art-Off: Tai Chi vs. Chai Tea.

Animal Control Officer:  Hoolette D. Dogzout.

Restaurant so bad it has a maitre D-minus.

As long as you get up as many times as you fall down, you’re still in the game.

The sight-impaired man who waits by the traffic signal: “Blind Ed by the Light.”

“Sometimes I feel like nothing more than a cog in a machine,” said Lincoln D. Chain

“My tastes are simple. The best will always do.”

“Why are the crows all calling my name?” thought Caw.

Tony Danza’s less-known brother Abun.

Not standing on ceremony: Sid Gautama.

What if the Pope had a clone 1/8 his size who hung around with him?

A Scot in the jungle carries a MacHete.

If Isaiah Berlin and Irving Berlin met for drinks, what would they talk about? Many things or one big thing?

Personifying your pet peeves: “The Witch of And/Or.”

“Explosive cyclogenesis” is also called an “explosive development,” a “meteorological bomb,” a “weather bomb,” or “bombogenesis.”

“Bombogenesis” may be a compromise between Bible believers and Big Bang physicists.

“Rah rah aves” are cheerleaders for the number two car rental company, the one that tries harder.

Three out of four OB-GYNs prefer Nook e-readers.

Fool’s errand: ending endemic corruption.

Fool’s errand: immanentizing the eschaton.

TANSTAAFL means “there ain’t no such thing as a free lunch.” True that.

Hannah proudly told Anna that Hannah’s son’s violin teacher had compared the boy to Jascha Heifetz. “Jascha Heifetz?” Anna said. “What exactly did he say?” “He said,” Hannah beamed, “‘Jascha Heifetz he’s not!’”

Even talented people need luck. What if Jascha Heifetz’s page turner had turned two pages at once?

Barry Goldwater once said that listening to fast-talking Hubert Humphrey was like reading Playboy with your wife turning the pages.

Chuck Norris solves crossword puzzles without using clues.

Irish expression for piffle: “BS&M” (B.S. and molasses).

Public thinkers not paid by establishment sources: indie lectuals.

A burant here, a borant there: pretty soon they all add up, laddie.

“In for a pint, in for a pound.”

We have nothing to fear but those who control the future of factory-made baked goods.

The solution to unequal public education: Every Child Left Behind.

Do you have nightmares about a heartless giant searching for his heart? (Relax; there’s no right answer.)

Summer blockbuster: “I Never Saw the Original, Part II.”

For odd results, turn your dark side inside out.

“I considered resigning to spend more time with my family, but my family vetoed that.”

True or false: Ariel Sharon said, “The Middle East is the empire of lies.”

“We are all Kenyans now.”

Sign on novelist’s wall: “10 days without a contrived coincidence to further the plot.”

Ipso factotum.

Luck is the residue of hard work and planning, especially your parents’ estate planning.

“Thick banana slices are disgusting.” --Anonymous

How to contribute to the world of literature: write what you know, revise once, revise again, revise a third time, proofread the third draft carefully, burn everything.

Don’t look into the abyss long or often, or the abyss will start looking into you, maybe even making a few phone calls.

Keep your sudsy side up.

True movie: “Everything’s Ducky.” “Two sailors bring a talking duck aboard ship. Consequences follow.” The two sailors were played by Buddy Hackett and Mickey Rooney. Hackett once cut a record of a children’s song called “Ting Me a Tong.” De mortuis, nil nisi bonum. Another saying we've just honored in the breach.

There’s mens rea but no women’s rea. Meet you at the demo.

A traditional English riddle runs like this:

Though not a cow I have horns;
Though not an ass I carry a pack-saddle;
And wherever I go I leave silver behind me.

The traditional answer is “a hebmandod,” or as we would now say, “a snail.”

Kippers are British breakfast fish: herring that have been split, gutted, lightly salted and cured by cold smoking.

To be “kippered” means to be cheated, conned, defrauded, exploited, taken advantage of; figuratively “dead, gutted, skinned, and cooked.”

To be “stitched up” means to be framed, i.e., to be falsely incriminated by the authorities through planted evidence, faked confessions, or other methods.

To be “stitched up like a kipper” is wonderful nonsense. It can mean “framed” or it can mean “left with no room to maneuver or negotiate,” as in “I thought the sides would split the costs, but their lawyer found a clause that said our side had to pay them all. I tried to handel, but they had me stitched up like a kipper.”

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