Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Bonus Issue: How to Read Popcorn by The Colonel

Remember how Big Meme used to say, “Before you throw something away, get the good out”?

Well, to get the good out of each item in a typical Popcorn, this is what you need:

First, slip into loose, comfortable clothes.

Sit in a chair or on the floor in the lotus position if you are limber enough to sustain it.

Close your eyes and take a slow, moderately deep breath through your nose, if you are human or temporarily maintaining human form.

Hold that breath for a New York minute (the amount of time between when the traffic light turns green and the cab behind you starts honking), then let it out gently through your nose.

As you let the breath out, open your eyes and read one item slowly as many times as necessary for you to “get” not just the surface meaning, but the deep meaning.

When that happens, you will experience a slight tingle in your vagus nerve, or, very rarely, a grand mal seizure.

Calmly let it pass, then close your eyes once more, draw a slow breath in as before, and repeat the process till you come to the end of the last item in the day’s column.

At that point, you will feel enlightened, refreshed, and ready to rezone the city in a balanced, fruitful way.

Resist the impulse. Turn instead to firmly but gently tending your own garden.

Finally, pass these tips on to all those in your power, possession, or control. Epiphania did, and the next day she fell into a state of persistent bliss. Letrell didn't, and that very night a private investigator hired by his wife photographed him in circumstances that will cost him dearly for years to come. Whose luck would you prefer to befall you?

"Learning is weightless -- a treasure easy to carry anywhere."


Maggie's Brother said...

These same tips make Pynchon and Joyce more enjoyable as well.

Wait a minute...what if The Colonel IS the elusive Thomas Pynchon? Who knew the reclusive author was right here in Middletown the whole time!

Tree Fanatic said...

Only The Shadow knows for sure.