Strange Doorway to Another World Closes in Middletown -- The Colonel Carries On #100

by Bishop Fortunatianus, Bible commentator, and Matt N.A. Idol, heartthrob

Epigraph: “Why pay for what you can get for free?” --Passphrase to get into Louis’s Speakhard

“Hetti” is a nickname for the English girl’s names Harriet, Hester, and Henrietta, all of which derive from “Henry,” meaning “Lord of the Manor.”

Hetti Bywater’s formal name is Harriet Jessica P Bywater (born 10 September 1994). The “P” is apparently like the “S” in Harry S Truman: no following period and it stands for nothing but itself.

I know you’re racking your brain trying to remember who Hetti Bywater is. Well, let your brain off the rack. She’s that English actress best known for playing Lucy Beale in the BBC soap opera “East Enders.” Now it comes back to you!

“Of course!” you say. “She was the one who played Lucy Beale from 2012 to 2015, taking over the role from Melissa Suffield, who played Lucy from 2004 to 2010. The character was murdered in 2014 -- ooh, what a twistknickers that was! -- appearing in 2015 for a flashback and the soap’s live episode.”

Well, I’m impressed. I had no idea that you, dear reader, followed BBC programming so closely. Your memory is also astonishingly retentive. When you go gaga, the loss will be great.

There’s also a German girl’s name Hedwig, Polish Jadwiga, Hungarian Hedvig. Doubtless they have a nickname “Heddy,” but not “Hetti.”

There’s also the name “Hedda” as in Hedda Hopper and Hedda Gabler. The two never met in this life, but are probably pals in Helle, another girl’s name (Danish). I knew a Danish "Helle," but in this country she went by "Hella." She said if she used the spelling "Helle," Americans pronounced it "Helly," which she disliked.

This subject was treated at length on Wilde’s maxim, “Nothing succeeds like excess.” I’m sparing you anything about “Hortense,” another fine name, not unknown to Middletown (the generous, wonderful Hortie Kabel).

This cute feller is not a bat, but a flying tree squirrel. That reminds me: don’t sleep facing up when camping without a tent near trees.

Sentences of comfort: “Welcome to Piety Street” and “Circle Foods is Back in Biz.”

Sentence not of comfort: “Who put the tur* in the turducken?”

A “moa” is an extinct species of bird, or a Boston grass shortener.

“I’ll clean his clock” is a figurative saying. If “his clock” means “his face,” what does “clean” mean?

Getting a watch cleaned is a fool’s errand these days, unless it’s an antique. Accurate, attractive quartz watches last maybe seven years on the original battery and cost about $35. When the battery dies, get a new watch and feed the old one to your pantophage Wasallesesst.

Reminds me of Fred Allen’s question, “Why spend a year or more writing a novel when you can easily buy one for just a few dollars?”

If we’re fixing to have robots drive our cars, and we’re developing robots that think like humans, what’s the point?

I once had an idea of the best way to lay out calendars. Now I can’t find my notes. Format’s Lost Theorem.

“The word ‘vague’ should be pronounced ‘vag-way,’” St. Segue said in an argument with St. Pizza, whom she knew as “Worcester.”

Can you guess the word with the following anagrams: orthoc, crooth, Hoctor, rotcho? Answer in P.S. below.

The “Sri” in “Sri Lanka” means “holy.” When Robin yells, “Holy Lanka, Batman!” he’s being erudite. What the comics and the TV and the movies don’t want you to know is that Robin’s usual nickname for the crime-fighting hero is the initials for “Bat Man.” They think it’s indelicate. They’re right, but Robin’s hard to squelch, as many evildoers have learned to their dismay.

Some musical instruments don’t go together, like Jew’s harps and didgeridoos, but some unlikely partners do just fine, like sax and violins.

Some legal motions are handled exclusively “on the papers” (meaning on parties’ written briefs). Oral argument is not permitted except by order of the court on motion of a party. The motion must spell out specifically what requires oral argument and cannot be expressed in writing.

Hypograph: “Everything flows.” --Herakleitos. (In Greek it’s “panta rei.” A good mnemonic for it is “panty raid.” If that’s too racy, how about “pantry raid” or “manta ray” or “Miami Ray”  or “Minnesota Fats” or “Ya Doesn’t Hasta Call Me Mr. Johnson”?)

Hypograph 2: “Goodbye” is a sanded-down version of “God be with you.” Goodbye! Thanks for all the fish!

P.S.: It’s “cohort.”