By Lyre L. Panzonfahr
Epigraph: “[Gosh darn] mother[loving] men in Congress -- they should all be taken out, [emascul]ated, and shot.” --Jarna Shrile
"'Eye mite knead sum knew shoos four Jim,' Harry tolled hour Ant An." Spellcheck hasn’t a care in the world about the previous sentence.
What your lawyer won’t tell you. Common legal typos: statue for statute, pubic for public, contact for contract, Easter District for Eastern District, fist for first, noting for nothing, clam for claim, feral for federal, properly for property (and vice versa), band for bank (and vice versa), latches for laches, supercede for supersede, set froth for set forth, discreet for discrete, singer for signer, trail for trial, Untied for United, plenty for penalty.
What do I make of that? “Fist National Band of the Untied States” (FINBOTUS) They play loose-limbed rockabilly.
Relatedly, I like The Band of Middletown, whom the cognoscenti call T-BOM. The lead singer is the, um, outspoken Jarna Shrile.
Some legal spellcheckers are innocent of Latin, and turn every "sua sponte" ("on its own initiative") into "sea sponge."
So every palintiff and defendnat must be ever eagle-eyed.
Eight things I heard recently:
"I had two friends, married to each other, who were killed in a car accident. The husband was a pioneering heart surgeon, and the wife was a designer and decorator with a dead certain sense of who she was. They were here, then they were gone -- just like that."
"My father is a social scientist who has developed different ways of measuring aspects of character. In other words, he knows a lot about tests and testing."
"I love plants and gardening. I love watching the cycle of life play out even in tiny flower pots. When I was young, I spent a lot of time growing sunflowers."
"My two sons went to a grade school for gifted children, and I was amazed at some of the other kids who also went there."
"Bakersfield [California] is a much-underrated place."
"I know someone with a cat whose name is ‘Cheddar.’ From Cheddar's pictures on Facebook, he's one contented cat."
"I dedicated that book to my late first husband who died while swimming in the British Virgin Islands and to one of my best friends from Wellesley [College]. I miss them daily and it comforts me to know that their kindness, wisdom, and humor left the world a better place."
"Trump is reaching crunch point on ‘repealing and replacing’ Obamacare. If he rejects the slovenly handiwork of the congressional Republicans, there’s not much place to go, politically, but if he blesses it, he’ll disappoint people who voted for him exactly because he was going to replace it with 'something wonderful.' I’ll bet you anything they won't think losing coverage is something wonderful."
If I were a clickfisher, I would have led with this:
Was Trump Involved in This Alabama
Beauty Queen’s Disappearance?
I also like this:
Guess Where There’s Lithium in the Water
Speaking of maps, this just in: purple America has disappeared from the political map, not because Trump’s election was so divisive, but because political mapmakers have recolored every purple area either pink or light blue.
China and Russia are in an informal alliance to replace the current world order with one more to their tastes. Just so you’re not taken by surprise.
Who will translate me of this turbulent code? <!--[if gte mso 9]> <![endif]--> <!--[if gte mso 9]> Normal 0 false false false EN-US JA X-NONE <![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]>
For those whose “learning style” involves maps, a prezzie (be sure to check out the Florida Panhandle of yore):
Can you estimate the value of the whole shebang from the $15 million paid for the Louisiana Purchase?
“You don’t want to starting writing something if you think you can do it. If you know you can write it, it’s somehow not worth doing.” --after Katie Kitamura
Economists of the Austrian school believe that economics can be understood through broad axiomatic principles and deductive reasoning -- techniques that work over borders and time. They believe that experts can never truly master economic questions and overreliance on statistics obscures the complexity of society more than reveals it.
How can Santa be cured of manspreading if those nearest him act as if everything is fine?
“I wouldn’t mind being buried at sea; I like the thought of being devoured underwater. But I think it’s hard to arrange, and I wouldn’t want to be a nuisance.” --after Margaret Drabble
“When I was an English teacher of mostly rural white students, I found it crucial for them to know the distinction between their home dialect, necessary in their community, and standard English, necessary in most white-collar jobs. Teachers must not disparage community speech, but they must teach standard English, the language of the marketplace.” --after James P. Lenfestey
“English is the lingua franca of the European Union, but even before Brexit, the continentals preferred the American to the British variety.” --Roy Marshrigger
“I love reading anything about gigantic blobs of molten iron who secretly long to be concert pianists. In particular I’d mention “Grog, Who Loved Chopin” and the somewhat derivative “Clom, Big Fan of Mozart.” --after George Saunders
“The moment the pronoun I enters my narrative, my confidence crumbles.” --Yiyun Li
“Death Is the Universal Harvester”
“I wonder how many more dents our universe can take.” --after Nick Bilton
Age-appropriate house design can be a life-saver. A woman with weakened wrists died after a stroke in her own bathroom because it had an old-fashioned screw doorknob instead of a lever-type knob that would have let her open the door and call for help.
Midnight at Mar-A-Lago and the Moon Calls Forth the Beast. POTUS is a good Tweeter because of his tiny hands.
“Russian Officials Scrambling As Plan To Delegitimize Western Democracy Moving Way Faster Than Intended” --The Onion
Perk On, Main!
“The Postman Only Rings Twice,” by Neil Postman and Nancy Sinatra
Quiz time: Which of the above doesn’t belong, and why?
“Obamacare (and maybe GOPacare) in a nutshell: Enough young healthy people overpaying for health insurance they don’t use much, to cover old sick people underpaying for health insurance they use a lot.” --after Jim Geraghty
Even as a boy, the Colonel practiced his manspreading every day.
Hypograph: “Let’s play ‘squirrel.’ You all come after me, and I distract you with incendiary tweets, and you get confused and go back to looking at yourselves in the mirror.”
(c) Quality Nonsense, a tiny little division of The Entropy Corporation.
“Keeping It Fake Since Before the Internet Was a Thing”