Colonel Endorses Brexit -- Stop the Presses Special Report

Middletown, Conn (June 22). Colonel T. H. Clapping, beloved local blogger with literally dozens of readers, said today “If I were British, I would vote ‘Go.’”

Clapping said he has sent Boris Johnson, former mayor of London and prominent Breleaver, several slogans, including “Stay British: Vote Go,” “Tell Brussels Where to Go: Vote Go,” “Keep Calm and Vote Go,” and “Don’t Euro, Go Happy” for use in the referendum campaign ending with a vote tomorrow on whether the U.K. should withdraw from the European Union (EU).

“It’s in the U.S. interest to detach Britain from Europe as much as possible,” Clapping said. "I was impressed with a speech I heard on the Internet by a fellow who said his wife was a 'Goer,'" he added.

“If the U.K. gets out of the EU I’d let England, Northern Ireland, and Wales become states of the U.S. if they so desired. Scotland I’m not so sure about; it gives me paws. I think I’d rather have Quebec -- the Quebeckers aren’t so excitable,” he said.

“As for the ‘republican form of government’ requirement in the U.S. Constitution, I’d let Her Majesty appoint a governor general in each of the new three states, squint, and call them republics,” he said, and clarified that he, not Her Majesty, would do the squinting. "It wouldn't comport with Her Majesty's dignity," he said. "She's ninety, God bless her."

At press time it wasn't clear how many British voters, if any, would be influenced by the Colonel's last-minute endorsement of the "Go" position. Nor could Boris Johnson be reached for comment, but his answering machine played a selection of quotations from his past, including the following:

My chances of being PM are about as good as the chances of finding Elvis on Mars, or my being reincarnated as an olive.

The dreadful truth is that when people come to see their MP they have run out of better ideas.

My friends, I have discovered that there are no disasters, only opportunities. And, indeed, opportunities for fresh disasters..